Jokes Thread

[Mack450]

Post up your favorite jokes here. Please keep them clean within reason. Remember that you don't know whos kid is reading this.

[Mack450]

A man sat down at a bar and told the bartender, "I bet you three hundred dollars that I can piss into the cup all the way over there on the other side of the bar and not miss a single drop."
The bartender said, "There is no way you can do that. Sure, I'll bet you three hundred dollars."
The man then begins to undo his pants and begins pissing. He starts pissing all over the bar, spraying on the bottles and the bartender, not making a single drop in the cup.
The bartender starts smiling and laughing and says, "That's it, you owe me three hundred dollars."
The man then gets up and walks over to the pool table and starts laughing and shaking hands with the men standing there. He walks back to bar, sits down and starts laughing at the bartender and hands him the money.
The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet."
The man said, "I'm laughing because I bet those guys over there one thousand dollars that I could piss all over you and your bar and you would still be laughing when I was done."

[desertdweller]

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happ! y and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[Mack450]

lmfao.....that was great

[desertdweller]

Alaskan Humor : This one is for AKMUDDY, Enjoy!

Who says our productive days end with death?

The day after losing his wife in a diving accident, a man answered
his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have
some information about your wife."

"Tell me! Did you find her?" the man cried.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad
news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you
want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad
news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh No!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Swallowing hard,
he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had two five-
pound king crabs and a half-dozen good size Dungeness crabs on
her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then
what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow
morning."

[desertdweller]

>There's nothing worse than a snotty receptionist who insists you
tell her
>what is wrong in a room full of other patients. I know we all
have
>experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
>
>A 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he
approached
>the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing
the doctor
>for today?"
>
>"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
>
>The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come
into a
>crowded office and say things like that."
>
>"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
>
>The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in
>this room full of people. You should have said there is something
wrong with
>your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with
the
>doctor in private."
>
>The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The
>receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
>
>"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
>
>The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had
taken her
>advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
>
>"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
>
>The doctor's office erupted in laughter

[mudduck]

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

[Bob Denman]

A few minutes before Church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talkiing. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the altar.
Everybody started screaming and running for the door in a frantic effort to elude evil incarnate. Soon the Church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew; seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Satan walked up to him and said,
"Do you know hwo I am"?
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Not in the least.", was the man's reply.
"Don't you realize that I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it in the least." returned the old man in an even tone.
"Did you know that I can cause you profound and horrifying agony for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep.", was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?"
"Nope."
Now more than just a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why not?"
The man calmly replied, "I've been married to your sister for 58 years."

[mudduck]

L.A. Math test
City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam

Name:____________________
Gang:________________________

1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?

2. If Jose has two ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?

3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800 per day crack habit?

4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?

5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100 for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's will he have to steal to make $800?

6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing her since she spent his money?

7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

8. Hector knocked up six girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?

[Jfer]

Not really here to hunt

A man goes into a gun shop and buys a rifle to go bear hunting. Five minutes into the woods, he spots a huge grizzly, takes aim and fires… and when the smoke clears, bear is gone. As he's puzzling over this, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and there, towering over him, is the bear.

"Well, you took your best shot and missed, so now I'm going to eat you!"

The man begs and pleads not to be killed, and the bear thinks about it and says, "I suppose I COULD let you live… if you let me have my way with you."

So the man does the horrible deed and goes back to the gun shop the following day, walking out with an AK-47. He goes back to the woods, sees the same bear, takes aim and empties the whole clip. The smoke clears, and the bear is gone again. Then there's a tap on the shoulder…

"Okay, twice is too much. You missed again, so I'm REALLY going to eat you now."

Once again, the man begs and pleads and, after some thought, the bear relinquishes - and has his way with him roughly again.

Back to the shop and this time he walks out with the biggest thing they've got - a rocket launcher. He returns to the forest, spots the bear, lines up the scope and fires. There's a huge explosion and, when the smoke clears, no bear - just a smoking crater. Grinning with satisfaction, he starts to lower the weapon…

…and then there's a tap on the shoulder.

With one hand on his hip, the bear cocks his head and says, "You're not really here for the hunting, are you?"